Surf’s Up?!

Today, I had my very first surf lesson.  As I maneuvered my way into my brand new full body wetsuit, I had a strange thought flash into my mind…this is what it must feel like to be a penis inside a condom.  (Where this stuff comes from, I truly don’t know).  But I then quickly realized that the only thing that wasn’t covered was my head, which obviously from a penial perspective wasn’t good and thus defeated the whole purpose.

Ok, so maybe that was a bad analogy.  Maybe this is what a seal feels like? Or a sausage?  Or a banana?  Enough already.  Whatever object I was channeling at the moment, it didn’t matter.  The bottom line is that I definitely learned a few things today.

1) Go to the bathroom twice before you put your wetsuit on.  I went once but I swear as soon as this skin tight contraption had me trapped, I was convinced  I had to go again which definitely wasn’t going to happen.

2) Don’t eat breakfast 15 minutes before you put your wetsuit on.  The 2 eggs I ate stopped digesting about a quarter of the way down as soon as I slid into this baby because I could barely breathe let alone allow any organs to continue to function properly hence the instant nausea.

3) It’s best to put your wetsuit on right before you go into the water, not in your living room 15 minutes before you are ready to leave.  The neoprene felt more like a convection oven (now, I know what a Thanksgiving turkey feels like) and I immediately started sweating up a storm.   And of course, the natural lubrication process sent me right straight back to thinking about you know what.  I decided for the sake of zero deodorant and the strange slimy sensation that was coming over me, I would only keep it on 1/2 way on until I made it to the beach.

4) No matter how hot you get, don’t drink any water once you put your wetsuit on.  See #1.

5) Take 5 deep breaths before you zip up the back because that is just about when the claustrophobia sets in and you feel completely stuck inside this thing with no way to get out.  I honestly thought I was going to have a panic attack.  I must have died inside of one in a past life because I was starting to have flashbacks.  And please note, once you start sweating inside, removing this thing is twice as hard as it was to get it on.

Luckily, I was finally able to make my way to the beach, found my surf instructor and had an absolute blast.  I was a little worried about having “performance anxiety” because I was definitely out of my comfort zone but surprisingly I was able to get up a few times and catch some fun waves. 🙂  It was amazing.

Here are a few of my beginning surfing tips.

1) Bring tissue for the aftermath. The ocean is nature’s Neti pot and it isn’t pretty.

2) While booties keep your feet warm, they prevent you from sliding your feet around to adjust your positioning.  Go barefoot, what is the worst thing that can happen…Shrinkage?  Once your feet are numb, you won’t feel a thing anyway. 🙂

3) Size matters and these beginner foam boards are big.   My instructor told me to carry it on my head, literally. (WTF?) As he then leads me down 100 sandy steps, across the rocks all while trying not to fall as my arms are aching before I even make it to the ocean.  IMPORTANT NOTE: Make sure to hook up with a nice hot surfer beforehand to carry it for you because man, that thing was heavy!!

4) If you are going to try and take off your wet-wetsuit in the parking lot, put out a tip jar for the free show you will be giving everyone (while trying to keep your towel on) when you are literally wrestling like crazy trying to get your legs free from the beast. It was like a Britney Spears/Paris Hilton moment except I wasn’t getting out of a limo or a hot sports car and certainly wasn’t going to get into any decent club at the moment looking like I did.  At one point, I actually debated on just driving back home with the damn thing around my ankles.  Might be awkward to explain to a police officer why I’m naked with a wetsuit around my ankles although if he could grab one leg and give me a little assistance, I would be super grateful.

5) Wet, sandy, dirt does not go well with gray leather interior.  Trust me.

Well, now I’m off to try and rinse my Psycho 2 off (it’s the actual name of my wetsuit, I swear!).  Brilliant marketing and I couldn’t have come up with a better name for it myself.  I think I’m supposed to rinse it…..inside out?  Hmmm. Wish me luck!

New Morning Routine

Well, I’ve figured out a way to start off my day on a positive note.  2 words.  Dance Party.  Oh yes, I’ve decided that every morning I’m going to get up and put on some tunes for 15 minutes (minimum) and have my own little private dance party.  I love to dance and a great music always puts me in a good mood.

This brilliant idea hit me yesterday as I decided to make a mix CD appropriately titled “Summer Jamz 2012” for my BFF.  (Yes, I’m 40 and officially using terms like BFF).  I actually can’t remember the last time I made a mix CD or used a word that I switched the “S to a Z” but it all felt light, fun and carefree so I went for it.

See, I was heading to my BFF’s daughter’s 8th birthday dinner when I decided to sync up my iPod with some new tunes.  My daughter has a knack of finding awesome new artists and I have a knack of paying for a big iTunes bill each month.  Perfect match, eh?

Once, I tried to put her on iTunes restriction once by only giving her a limited amount of gift card dollars each month but then I got too lazy to actually go out and keep buying the cards so that eventually dropped off .  Plus, when I wanted to download my own tunes, it would use her credits first instead of my credit card and then it just all felt too complicated. It seemed like more work for me than teaching her the concept of “music moderation” so I scratched that idea.  In addition, she told me that music fuels her soul and she can’t live with only 10 new songs a month so how can I put a cap on that? 🙂

I’m pretty sure when she goes to college, she’s going to go through iTunes withdrawal and likely will turn to the dark side of free music download sites for her music fix.  For some reason I taught my kids it’s more honorable to pay for your music then get it for free.  They agreed, especially when I am footing the bill.  😦

Anyway, every couple of months, I ask her to sync her laptop up with the family computer so I can download some of the things she is listening to (and I’m technically buying) which pretty much has me uploading to range of Top 40, Alternative, Indie and general miscellaneous of current popular teenage songs, explicit lyrics and all . 🙂

One day while we were in the car, out of no where, she busted out some old school N’Sync.  I was so excited I started dancing and singing which I think totally shocked her especially since I knew all of the words.  And ok, I admit it.  I had (um, had? Have) a thing for Justin Timberlake.  Crazy.  (Speaking of which, Insert song clip here, You drive me crazy, I just can’t sleep, I’m so excited, I’m in too deep) Thanks, Britney Spears circa 1999.  They were such a cute couple back in the day, don’t you think?

See, once I learn the lyrics to a song, it sticks in my head…forever.  So often, when I am typing or saying a word, I get a song clip that starts playing in my mental background along with a video clip if I have that in my brain archive as well. I grew up on MTV too.  That was really back in the day when they used to play music videos 24/7.  Do you remember in the early 80’s when there was only like 10 music videos that they played over and over and over again? 🙂

So guess, what I started the morning off with today?  Justin Bieber!  Did I say that outloud?  Yes, I’m 40 years old and me and the Bieb’s were getting swaggy (sp?).  I’m sure I’m not spelling or even using that term correctly but who cares.  I’ve got dance fever.  I’ll spare you the flashback song that just popped into my head which strangely was Bee-Gee’s related.  Hmm. Odd coming off a few new hits from JB but I try not to question my madness. Don’t worry, I’ve got some higher quality musical tastes too.

The good news is that I’m definitely reconnecting with myself and this is just one of the new ways I’m finding some inner happiness.  There are a couple of great things about my new morning routine like I don’t have to do my hair, makeup or put on some sexy outfit to strut down the hallway and feel awesome.  Also, I don’t need a date or need to be at a club to whip out my best moves.  But most importantly it just feels really good and makes me happy….and that is really the only thing that matters most. 🙂

The Return of the Writer

Welll, guess who’s back from Bali?  No, not this taxi driver, he’s still there (but I thought his marketing strategy was pure genius).  It’s Me. 🙂  I initially had all of these grand plans of writing during my vacation but obviously that didn’t happen.  Then when I came home last week,  I had some even grander plans of writing a play by play summary of my trip (complete with entertaining photos) starting with how I missed my flight leaving SFO (not by minutes but by hours, 12 hours to be exact but I’ll tell you all about that later) to all of the wonderful things we saw over the 2 week exploration of the beautiful island(s). But that clearly hasn’t happened either.  I’m kind of in this post vacation haze, at least that is what I have been telling myself for the last 5 days.

See, since I’ve been home, I really haven’t done anything. Nothing.  No, I’m serious.  I really mean it this time.  And there is something different now from all of the other times I’ve been telling you I haven’t been doing anything because this time it’s not just a motivation thing, it’s an inspiration thing.  Which clearly seems to be missing, along with the Writer of course who I found locked up courtesy of Mr. E.

As you may or may not know, I’m on a constant search for meaning and purpose in my life. Partly because that’s just the way I’m wired and I do also believe that it is part of my soul’s journey this time around.  But what has me more than a little bit spooked is when I’ve got nothing going on and it seems like the days are just flying by one after another with no end or meaning in sight. Yikes.  It’s really getting bad because I’ve actually been thinking the last couple of days, Shit..if this is way it’s going to be, I might as well go back to work.  Because I’m starting to get sick of myself.  I took this year off of work to find myself or balance myself, recharge, renew, or whatever and if I’m really not going to be doing that, well then I might as well go back to work and stop sucking my savings account dry. The Executive and his Accountant agrees.

You want to know the first thing that struck me the moment I returned from vacation?  How many walls are in my house.  See, Bali is open air everything.  Bathrooms, bedrooms, restaurants, temples, horse carts, you name it.  Nothing but plants, trees, ocean, sky, rain, air.  And maybe a few mosquitoes too but let’s not ruin the moment ok?  And the second I stepped back into my house I immediately felt enclosed.  Confined.  As if I suddenly I actually had too many walls in my house.  Literally and figuratively.  It felt like a metaphor.  So I started running around and opening all of the windows (at 10PM while  give thanks to the window screens gods) as if I felt a strange urge to try and create some space, bring in some fresh air, reduce the structure in my life. You know, open things up a bit.  But it didn’t help.

After further contemplation, I realized this was an interesting insight and now I’m beginning to see the thread.  Not just represented specifically in the lack for writing for one (which seems to have escaped me the last few months) but for trying to figure out what to do with my life in general. I’ve kept myself in a box.  It used to be a nice neat controlled space but now, everything is falling away.  Not just the job and writing but I’ve seemed to have thrown everything else out in the last few weeks too, meditation, exercise, consistent sleep, etc.  And guess who is in charge of this horrible new strategy? You know who.

I have come to the sad realization that that reason I wasn’t blogging in June was because I was too busy bitching.  Inside my head, of course.  Oh yes.  And I’m the type of person who always puts others before myself so the last thing I want to do is bitch out loud.  Thus no writing because who wants to listen to my shitty attitude?  Not me.  And I’m assuming not you either.  So, I’ve just kept it all to myself.  Ruminating.  Thoughts, running around my head, over and over and over again.  And if I’m not mentally bitching about something, then I’m likely worrying about whatever is or isn’t happening that should or could or would likely be happening if only I wasn’t stuck knee deep in shit that very moment.  Yuck.  It’s my own personal hell led by you know f*ing who. Yep, General E and Sergent Hyper-V.  Looks like since P’s finally out.  H-V is in.  Bastards.

When I returned from Bali last week, my therapist called to welcome me back and see how my trip went.  (He’s super fabulous like that) I gave him a brief check in via phone and told him I really didn’t have any issues to discuss right now.  HA! Yeah, right.  No really, that’s what I said.  “Greg, I’ve got nothing going on in my life so I don’t think I need a session right now.” And I meant it which is something that I have never if ever said. I mean I’ve always got something I can talk about, right?  “Ok, he says, call me if you need anything”.

4 days later (today) I’m in his office with tears streaming down my face (so much for not needing any therapy, eh?).  Because last night between 2:30-4:40AM as I’m laying there trying to figure out what is going on with my life, is when I finally realized Mr. E has been  in the drivers seat for weeks (ok, months). And nothing is going to change unless I step up and get back in charge of a few things immediately.  So, we made a list of everything that has dropped by the way side, noted when things started falling apart and a game plan to rebuild.   What I realized is that I’ve been stuck in a vibration level that really isn’t serving me well and that started coming about when lots of drama was hitting the fan.  Kids, former spouse, health, dating, you name it and I had issues with it.  And the show was all being directed and produced beautifully by Mr. E. with Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt as his star headliners.

One thing that I absolutely come to know in my life is that all energy is vibration. Thoughts, actions, feelings, you name it.  And what I have been vibrating at is at “low to no” sprinkled in with lots of negativity too.  I’ve temporarily lost touch with my soul and all of my archetypes/activities channeling the positive energy that truly support my best highest vibrating self.  My energy is one thing I absolutely and always have control over so it’s just a matter of choice.  If I am conscious and present, I don’t have to star or engage in the show.  I can just observe it.  Somewhere along the way, I moved from the audience to a cast member and I definitely won’t be joining the next performance.

So first things first, I’ve got to f*ing write..to save myself from myself.  It’s the easiest way for me to “watch” what is happening.  And it’s the one thing I promised myself to do today. Check.  Plus, you want to know what?  I’ve got to lighten up.  Laugh at it all, like my taxi cab friend above.  Enjoy and have a little fun with life.  Mr. E doesn’t like fun because fun leads to joy and joy leads to happiness.  And those places are where he knows my soul thrives.

Second, I’ve got to attempt to get 8 hours of sleep for my sanity’s sake.  I can’t up my vibe if my body is tired.  Once I get a clear head tomorrow, I’m going to start lay out a new plan.

Look out world, the Writer is back. 🙂

SOS!

Warning!!  Mr. E has been on the loose running wild for weeks (ok, months).

I’ve got to get out of my head.

Must…get…back…to…writing.

Writer?!  Writer?!  Where are you?

She’s gone.  The writer is missing and I can’t find her anywhere.

I’m starting to fear the worst.  Mr. E has taken her hostage.

Must…find…the…writer.

Only the Writer can save me….from my own demise.

And the Versatile Blogger Award goes to? ME!

Hello my long lost friends!  I’m back!! 🙂  First things first, before I dropped of the face of the blogging earth almost a month ago, one of my favorite bloggers, Bossy Moksie nominated me for The Versatile Blogger Award.  YAHOO!!

I was hoping this meant that any day now I would be receiving a knock on my door (when I am wearing my pink robe and hair in curlers) by someone with TV cameras who would give me a giant check the size of my Prius (which call me crazy but I don’t think the bank will really let me deposit).  But no one has come yet and I’ve just left the country so I’m not holding my breath on this one.

Anyway, thanks so much to my fellow blogging friend.  It’s quite an honor.  Please check out her blog which is a total treat to read on a regular basis.  She always makes me laugh.  Bossy Moksie is smart, sassy and hilarious and keeps it real with her perspective on life and her adventures with men.  She’s priceless.

http://bossymoksie.wordpress.com/

Now, if there is really no cash award coming, I was then hoping this would then be like the Academy awards where I could buy a new designer dress, thank all of the important people in my life and head of to a bunch of parties with hot handsome celebrities all while fondling my new naked gold Oscar figurine, but it turns out with this honorary recognition,  no shopping is required and I need to do a little bit of work in return.  Actually this one of the reasons I’ve been neglecting my blog.  😦

The rules for this award state as follows:

• Thank the person who gave you this award [in a post]. Done.
• Include a link to their blog. Check.
• Next, select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly. Hmm. I only follow about 5 other blogs, which means technically I need to find 10 more….
• Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award – This is the work part because I’m picky… and have had a million other priorities the last couple of weeks….In process
• Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself. – Strangely, the best things that come to mind are my deepest darkest secrets, so I’ll need to send her a confidentiality agreement to sign before doing so…. In Legal Dept for review.

Now, that is (half ass) done, I can at least move on and catch my posse up on what the heck as been going on the last few weeks.  June was crazy and July is looking crazier.  Let’s dive in shall we?  More to come, as I’m boarding my next flight from Taiwan to Bali!!

Ipod Music Selections

Yesterday I was flying back from Boston in the middle seat of an emergency exit row which was not horrible by any means considering the extra leg room available.  Gone is my coveted United 1K Frequent Flyer status.  Ah, the good old days.  Upgrades, priority boarding, snacks that you don’t have to pay for, etc.  And while that might not seem like much….if you have never been a road warrior, let me tell you (sadly enough), it is those little things can make or break your travel day.

So, I ended up sitting next to a woman on my right who was maybe a professor or dean at Stanford University for the Engineering department.  How did I know this?  She had her business card taped into the inside of her Kindle case.  I couldn’t make out the details because it was sideways and had a lot of words in fine mouse print but she seemed important.

She was a caucasian female, light brown hair, fair skin, 5’4 ish, maybe 115 lbs, and I would guess in her late 50’s, maybe even early 60’s.  Quiet and unassuming.  And she didn’t get up once!  Which I found pretty impressive for being in the window seat of a cross country flight while having 2 cups of coffee.

Throughout the 6 hour flight, she rotated back and forth from reading her Kindle to a super advanced very large Suduko book all while listening to her Ipod through some old headphones that clearly didn’t have any noise reduction technology back in the day. At least not for those who aren’t actually wearing them.   She also happened to be listening to her music at full volume capacity.  Just ask the guy on the left of me as well as the rows in front and behind us who often were looking around to see where the music was actually coming from.

But she clearly either didn’t know or didn’t care. Feet tapping, head bopping, all while multitasking with other brain functioning requirements that needed some level of concentration.  I mean, reading?  Come on, I can’t even listen to loud music and read at the same time.  It’s like a brain scramble for me.  But I figured she likely had a very big brain working for Stanford and all so must be able to handle it.  And since she was really enjoying herself, I didn’t have the heart to interrupt her.

Now, here is the best part and what I found most fascinating about the whole thing….do you want to know what she was listening too? Guess!  Oh, never mind.  You will never guess.  Check this out!!  LMFAO, Pitbull, Usher, Enrique, J.Lo basically anything with a Top 40 pulsating dance club beat that honestly all starts to sound the same once they are played back to back for a couple hours.  I personally thought this was totally awesome because I would have never in a million years bet that type of music was on her preferred play lists!  And she was loving it.  She was actually going through her different playlists and selecting each of these songs by hand.  Good for her!  See, I actually didn’t really mind it too much because I like that kind of music as well.  Well, except the repeat part.

So, as I sat there and contemplated this oxymoron-ish experience , it struck me as a good little reminder from the universe, Don’t judge a book by its cover.  🙂  You never know what is actually on someone’s Ipod until you listen to it.

We never talked during the flight yesterday but I wanted to send her a little shout out today..Thanks for the jam session my exit row sister!  Nice flying with ya! 🙂

Spring Cleaning

Yep, tomorrow is the big day.  And I’m definitely ready to do it.  First thing right after I wake up…well I should say, after my 2 big glasses of water, meditation, morning hike and blueberry/almond milk smoothie…I’m going to TACKLE MY CLOSET!!

It’s time.  It’s actually past time.  I’ve got to get cracking on this “non working” project check list which ironically I can’t seem to find.  2 months ago, I made a nice long list of all of the things I would like to accomplish and haven’t done a thing with it, besides misplace it or maybe I threw it away?  Look, I have been productive! 😉

Do you know why I am going to clean my bedroom closet? 4 simple reasons. (Did you notice my lucky number?)

1) I’M GOING TO BALI!!  WOO-HOO!!

I don’t think I have mentioned to my entire blog world…my girlfriend Leslie called me last weekend and it was like a sign from the universe.  I’ve actually been waiting to go to Bali for quite a long time.  Yes even before Eat, Pray, Love made it a soul searching destination spot and I need to survey what I’m going to take and/or need to get for my trip. I’m going to try and refrain from talking about this every day but I’m so damn excited, I can hardly stand it! BALI BABY!!

2) I have a dinner date on Monday night with someone I’m definitely interested in.

And instead of trying on 4 outfits 30 minutes prior to leaving and then deciding I have nothing to wear, I’m going to figure this out in advance to avoid the clothing date crisis.  I’m looking for a cross between smart and sexy.  Could be tricky but I’m up for the challenge.

3) Nothing fits 😦

With all of my detoxing, exercise, etc over the last 6 months, I’ve actually dropped a few pounds and a lot of my clothes are too big.  And I can assure you, there is nothing sexy about baggy, loose, don’t forget to pull up your jeans every 5 minutes attire.  I definitely need some new shorts and at least a belt or two asap.

4) Nordstrom’s Half Yearly Women’s Sale is ON!

So if I do need anything for either of said 1, 2 or 3, let’s get it on sale, shall we?  I mean, last time I checked, money is not growing on trees these days.  Although I did purchase a “money tree” at one of my start up companies a few years ago just for the good vibe energy and we did get acquired 2 years later.  So I definitely consider this plant a good luck charm but certainly haven’t seen any one hundred dollar bills sprouting off of it yet.

And speaking of vibes, I’m actually curious to really take a good look at the current vibe of my wardrobe with all of the changes I have been going through the last few months.  Want to hear something interesting?  When I left my marriage 4 years ago and unpacked all of my clothes in my new house I noticed something strange. Everything in my closet was black, navy blue or cranberry red.  Ok, maybe with some sprinkles of charcoal grey and chocolate brown.  But essentially it was like all of my clothes were in mourning, completely void of color.  It was all just so dark.  After reflection of this, I realized I had unconsciously been playing out my feelings of sadness and loneliness through my clothing color choices which had totally banned any bright happy color options.  Fascinating, don’t you think?

So, I can’t wait to see what I discover tomorrow…I’ve already got a feeling I’m going to find a lot of pinks and purples because well, I’ve been going through an “embrace my feminine” phase over the last few years.  I’m also prepared to find a lot of ruffles because who doesn’t love a good fun ruffle?  Wish me luck and if you don’t hear from me by the end of the day, please send out a search party for a closet rescue mission!

New Dating Options

Where has the last week gone let alone the whole month of May?  I heard awhile back that that the Earth’s vibrational frequency was previously measured years ago at 7.8 hertz and now is over 11 hertz which would imply that if it feels like time is going faster, it literally is!

All and all, the last week has been good.  Based on my last post/experience, I decided to take all future potential dating prospects directly to coffee as the “pre-screen” to avoid any chances of predestined fate via email. And if that goes well, we can THEN move to wine, etc.  Because the last thing I want to do is fill up my house with trinkets or my thighs with Reese’s Peanut Butter cups.  20 minutes of coffee is painless, right? Right. And I honestly think it’s the best way for me to gauge in person chemistry anyway.  Let the games begin!  And with that said I actually had 2 good connections last week so we’ll see if either of them pans out. Wish me luck!

I’m also pleased to announce that I received my second marriage proposal! Wow! Am I on a roll or what?!  No, it wasn’t from another crazy first date, it was from a fellow blogger after he read my last post.  HA! 🙂  Hilarious, isn’t he?!  And when I read his comment, I literally laughed out loud and promptly replied with a resounding YES!!  I know, I know.  It’s spontaneous and maybe a little reckless but it just feels right so I’m going to go for it. Here’s to our future friendship, B! 😉

I have to admit, I love WordPress.  Not just for the outlet to be creative but for the really nice people I have met too.   Hey, maybe I’ll change my “About” page to resemble my online profile and see what kind of action I can drum up?? Kill 2 birds with 1 stone?  Really, who needs internet dating when you have a blog site?  I can upload some photos, talk about my ideal “mate”, etc.  Hmm.  The more I think about it, this could be a new added feature WP might want to consider on their next product/services road map.  Yep, one stop shopping for authentic writing AND true love. Brilliant!

Another dating avenue that dawned on me last week was hanging out at corporate cafeterias.  No, not loitering per se, although for some reason I just got a strange visual flash of myself standing outside some office building with a sign that says “Will date for food”.  🙂 See, my girlfriend invited me to lunch at her Fortune 500 work place and there was no one more excited to get all dressed up in my “work clothes” than the Executive.  He is sick of yoga pants and flip flops so any excuse for a skirt and heels is absolutely fine with him.  As I pull up to visitor parking, I can barely contain the excitement brewing inside me.  We walk into the cafeteria and it was honestly like I was a little girl on a field trip or something.  I was literally grinning from ear to ear and I could feel the energetic buzz of being back “in the zone” or maybe it was just being surrounded by people who had all had too much caffeine. But nonetheless, I for a brief hour was officially standing in the land of the living, I mean “working”.  You know, where people make decisions, solve important problems, change the world one email at a time?! Ok, maybe that last one is little far-fetched but you get my point.

I mean here I was, passing by other people who had likely spent their morning in back to back meetings and had overflowing voicemail boxes by noon.  Ah, good life.  And one the Executive still misses dearly every day. And then I realize, Hey, look at all of these good looking guys!!  As I stand in the buffet line, I think to myself, I’d like to have the Asian Chicken Salad and the tall dark and handsome gentlemen in the corner, please. To go. 🙂

Who needs online profiles when you can just have all of your girlfriends invite you to their companies so you can pick out a brand new man to date in person? Genius.  Thanks for lunch, G!!  I’ll definitely be back soon.

And speaking of profiles, I think I’m done with mine for now…the dating one not the blogging one that is. Because you know what I started to notice?  When there is a lull in the online action, Mr E and the Judge like put a new witness on the stand for cross examination, which unfortunately is me.  You know, stir up the pot with a few innocent questions, which leads to a nice dose of self-doubt and insecurity.

Let’s replay a conversation from last week after I reviewed a few thousand (no exaggeration) profiles and hardly received any responses to those I reached out to.

Hmm.  I wonder why I’m not getting any responses to the men that I winked at…maybe there is something wrong with my profile..or in essence me?  Well, I’m 40 now and it seems like more and more men my age are looking for younger women these days, a 25 year old, really?  And I’m also divorced so that might be a turn off to some.  I wonder what the divorce rate is in America these days?

Well, obviously, I have 2 kids and I’m sure some men have kid allergies or maybe still want to have some of their own??  Keep on moving, fellas.  Maybe my profile is too funny?  Or too serious in some places? It must be my wording is too direct and specific?  Should I be more vague and casual?

Maybe my pictures aren’t fun enough, or sexy enough or attractive enough?  Is it that I didn’t list skiing as one of my hobbies?  Skiing is a popular sport but I’m just not into it.  I’d rather sit in the lodge with a good book and cup of cocoa.  They can go freeze their asses off all day long and come back and tell me all about it.

I know, I didn’t finish college and I hate when I have to “officially” list that so maybe they don’t think I’m smart enough?  Why is it 20 years later regardless of one’s accomplishments, many people are still hung up on intelligence as measured by a piece of paper?  I really don’t like internet dating and I don’t think this is ever going to work.

Let’s face it, if I am “judging” someone in 1-3 seconds, everyone is likely doing the same.  And sometimes when I look at someone’s profile and I see what their “ideal” date criteria is that doesn’t match with me, Mr. E likes to get a nice little “Loser” jab in just for his entertainment. And sometimes it hurts.

But I also know, jumping into this adventure is good opportunity for growth and learning regardless if Mr. Right comes out of it all or not.  See, as I closed out my last blog, I didn’t touch on what I noticed most about myself during that little episode which was that I totally held up my own boundaries which is a huge thing for me.

See, in the past, I might not have been as direct in my communication with him and I might have even caved into a second date just because I felt bad for him. Or I would have felt like it was my fault this was happening and I must have “done” something to give him the vibe that I had feelings for him or whatever.  In the past, I would have definitely for sure felt like I needed to fix it all afterwards and make sure he was really ok.

But do you want to know what?  I didn’t end up doing a thing in this whole scenario which is a total victory!!  Throughout the entire 2 hour evening, even with bells and all, it never rattled me.  I didn’t feel the need to take “responsibility” for anything that was happening because I was just along for the ride.  I felt completely grounded and was more in my observer mode then pulled into the potential drama of it all.  I am actually really glad I had that experience because it was an opportunity for me to see just how far I have come over the last few years in these areas. And progress always feels good.  Now I just have to figure out what to do with this little box..

The Marriage Proposal

This blog is based on a completely true story. Period. There have been no fabrications to the actual facts of the said situation.  Names have been omitted to protect the innocent, well, except for mine but I don’t think I did anything wrong so I should be ok.

I had to start a new blog post because I was afraid the prior one was getting too long before I got to the good stuff.  I started rushing the end which I think is the most important section so here I am with a fresh start.  I still struggle with how long or short these blogs should be and not sure if I just start to get tired of myself at around 2,300 words or you do too. 🙂  So thanks for coming back.  Let’s continue, where I left off, shall we?

First let me say, as I mentioned before, I want to stay in integrity with of all my dating reflections and am in no way intending to be disrespectful to any of the gentlemen mentioned in any of my posts.  We’ve all got our stuff and no one really knows what is going on inside someone else’s head except them.  I am only a certified expert on myself which gives me free right to analyze the shit out of my life and no one else’s (well, at least not out loud that is).

And I am only sharing this story as an summary of lessons learned within myself and as was shared with me directly from the source because those were his exact last text words. I have decided to leave out a lot of the little juicy details that would probably make you both laugh and cringe at the same time and Mr E. is pretty pissed about that.  But the Judge wants nothing more than to pontificate about all these little critical things and once he gets on a roll, it can get ugly so I’m going to see if I can keep him quiet so I can be neutral.

Here goes.  As I mentioned in my prior blog, a few days ago, I received an unsolicited email in response to my highly desirable internet dating profile. 🙂  I was on the fence with the physical chemistry match but thought we had a lot in common otherwise so I decided to respond back.  Please note for the record, your honor, I did state right up front to him, “I’m not sure if we have a match, etc” but willing to get to know each other a bit.  Noted for the record, please continue.  Turns out he’s smart, funny, and an executive as well so we have a lot in common professionally.  So we both jump in with pretty harmless playful banter back and forth about random topics mentioned in both of our profiles. Two peas in a humor pod, so he thinks.

Our emails continue for a day or two and he says he has a good feeling about me so asks if I want to meet for a drink coffee/wine, etc and I say sure, I’m free in a few days, etc. (Note to self, I did not initiate the first move here. Yay, me!) But immediately after I said yes to a beverage, he turned it into wanting to make our “first date” very special. Hmm.  I thought it was just a casual drink?  Oh, great. An official first date?  That was when I started to detect the shift happen.

Remember the blog from last week, “Happy Anniversary” to me? And the email about the perfect date?  This was him.  It went a little something like this…The perfect  you, the perfect restaurant, perfect wine, the perfect desert….the perfect K-I-S-S?  Whoa Tiger!  (Insert screeching tire sound here). Warning bell #1.  There will be no “planned kiss” nor expectation set of one because I wasn’t even sure if there was a physical attraction in the first place and I certainly don’t want to mislead anyone.

So, I lightly pushed back a little on the “kiss” reference but figure we are just joking around so I tried not to take it too seriously.  I tell him I have a “hug” waiting for him.  That’s drawing a clear line in the sand, right?  I hope.  See, in addition to being an introvert, I would describe myself as very affectionate and definitely a “hugger” so I’ll  pretty much provide a  hug anyone that wants one, free of charge.  Now, kissing is completely different matter and those don’t come for free.

Now we are at the day before our get together and he throws in some mention about ring shopping today because apparently he has decided I’m “the one” and he is going to propose to make it the ultimate first date or something.  Warning Bell #2  Now, I’m trying to take this all in stride as well but I don’t need to see him face to face to sense this is a little extreme for a few days of casual joking.

But I try to deflect this nicely, joke about “being 1/2 excited and 1/2 terrified and will be bringing a restraining order” but I’m honestly not worried about my safety per se, just more concerned that now based on all of these little pieces of extroverted tidbits he has been dropping on me over the last couple of days, he HAS really decided I am “THE ONE” and based on what?? An internet profile and a few handful of emails??? Crazy.  I’m definitely sensing trouble.  Yikes!

On the day of our date, we exchange cell numbers in case we need to reach each other and firm up our plans.  Honestly, I have a pretty good read on people and could already tell he was a just a harmless super nice thoughtful sweet guy so I wouldn’t need to pick up any pepper spray that afternoon. But what I was worried about is that he was going to actually take some of this joking “overboard”…which unfortunately he did.  Because, what he was passing it off as 1/2 joking and 1/2 serious and he somewhere along the way decided to “Go big or Go home!”  Brace yourself.

So, we meet at the door of the restaurant and I immediately know in an instant there is no chemistry match for me but I wasn’t about to get off so lucky for him.  See, the first thing he says before he even introduces himself is, “You are soooo pretty.”  Which is super nice and sweet and what woman doesn’t want to get complimented but it was in a kinda awkward way that made him blush, not me.  And to continue to hear it the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th time around, started to feel strange.

As we sit down, he says he had been there early to pick the “perfect” table and as soon as we sit down, he whips out a blue Tiffany & Co. bag.  Gulp. WARNING BELL #3! Didn’t you hear the first 2???  I’ll spare you all of the details but enclosed was a card that on one side said “I was amazing” odd, because he doesn’t even know me… and on the other side he wrote; Redeemable for one engagement ring.  Holy Cow! That is bold and super crazy.  The card was attached to a silver wrapped extra long king size package of Reese’s peanut butter cups which when wrapped, resembled the size of a necklace case box, thankfully it was not! because I had mentioned my weakness for peanut butter cups in my profile so he wanted to be romantic.  All and all, while a little over the top (just a little?) It was very, very super sweet and extremely thoughtful which I told him so and laughed at his “joke” on the engagement ring part. Ha, Ha, Ha!  Very funny.  But I really thought, Whew.  I’m safe.  And I assumed he would stop there but he didn’t.

One hour later, 1/2 way through our wine, (he did most of the talking) and dessert, the waiter delivers ANOTHER wrapped Tiffany box.  No, please!  I can’t take this.  Now I feel horrible.  I tell him, he shouldn’t, I can’t accept anything, etc.  He insists, I open the box and there small is a ceramic Tiffany porcelain box inside. Oh no.  He actually bought me something more than $1.99.  And I tell him, he really shouldn’t have ..and I really super meant IT! I open it up and inside the small box there is a single small mini Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup inside.  He then says, “I know it’s only 1/2 through our date but I am having the best time ever and would definitely like to see you again.” Huh?  I have given him No advance to Boardwalk, No get of jail free cards or that he can automatically pass go and still collect $200 (which would just about pay for all of his expenses on this date). I’ve given him absolutely nothing to even remotely signal, things are going well besides, sitting there and being attractive, which was apparently enough.  It’s like he wasn’t even paying attention to our interaction and exchanges.

So, I tell him as kindly and sweetly as possible that he is so very thoughtful and kind, and a super nice guy but I just feel a “friendship vibe” with him so I was going to have to decline.  This was shocking to him.  And he then proceeds to ask what I’m looking for in someone that he doesn’t have but I could tell he was really just searching for ways to overcome any and all of my objections.  I told him it was someone that had all of same types of qualities that he did, it just comes down to chemistry and that while on paper, we might look like a match, I just didn’t feel that way and that was not a reflection on either of us being less fabulous individuals, etc.

That’s when he started telling me the real true E hollywood story and his behind the scenes motivations and then it all made sense.  See, he met another guy a while back that told him his romance story which was, he saw this woman cross a street and knew “she was the one”, pursued her relentlessly for a year, they got married, she is the love of his life and he is living happily ever after.  And that is what my internet friend was looking for.  He wanted to be swept away with pure heart racing random meeting of fairy tale love.  And who doesn’t?  I just don’t think it always works that way nor can be staged either.

And I was just like an innocent victim of a drive by shooting, by him in a Cupid suit that is.  I just happened to be there and he decided after my basic profile, a return gesture of hello and a few emails, I was his long lost love that he has been waiting for.. he also confessed he had a monster energy drink before getting here so if he was acting strange, that was the reason.  Um, I don’t think that had anything to do with it, but ok, whatever.

But it keeps getting better, even after I told him I wasn’t interested, he still didn’t want to believe it.  That is how much of “his story” he had wrapped himself up in.  He basically said, then said to me…But do I have a chance?  And then literally said via referencing the Dumb and Dumber movie?, If there is a one in a million is a chance, he’d take it.  Unbelievable.

He still didn’t want to hear the truth because it was not lining up with the story he had been telling himself. Complete and total denial.  I very kindly said, I just didn’t think it was going to work out and he then said, “I think you are going to go home, come to your senses and change your mind.” Wow. Really?  And he was totally serious!  Nothing I could say mattered anymore at this point. He just didn’t want to listen to anything other than his desired outcome, regardless of how ungrounded in reality that was.

He was so in love with his story about “being in love” and how it was going to happen, just like his friend,  he wasn’t even present in the moment which just made me feel nothing but a lot compassion for him.  I thought about how many times, I had sold myself a bill of goods in other situations because I didn’t want to face the facts either.  Now, I’ve never done anything crazy like this but I did understand his genuine desire for his ideal outcome so it’s all good.

So, as the restaurant is closing, and we leave, he says goodbye to the owner by name. I said, “Wow do you know him?”  He said, I just met everyone before you got here to set up the “perfect date”.  Then I just felt just plain bad for him.  He was crushed but do you want to know what, I really don’t think it had anything to do with me.  He didn’t even know me. I asked him if he thought we had crossed some wires and I gave him the impression…No, no, he said.  He just thought it was “perfect” and would work out.  He completely projected this story of what he wanted onto me.

Being the gentlemen that he is, he asked me if he could walk me to my car because it was dark, etc.  I said yes, of course.  As we were walking, he starts to tell me all of the things he is disappointed about that didn’t work out between us. “Us?”  The us of 5 days of email exchanges, us?  Ok, sure. I just listened and nodded.  At this point nothing I could say or do would matter unless it was “Yes.”

I thanked him for a special evening, told him he is a great guy, gave him a big hug and he then as I am getting into my car, he says “If I change my mind, I can call him.”  At this point, I just laughed to myself.  Ah, the joys of internet dating.  I get in my car and think, wow that was the craziest thing that has ever happened to me and when I got home, an hour later, I receive a final text from him that says and I quote:

“Just wanted to thank you for my absolute best worst first date.  No expiration on the ring offer :-).  I tend to learn from my experiences…lesson one…do not propose to a woman you actually never met.  I wish you the best.”

Good lesson my friend, good lesson.

Adventures in Online Dating

So, starting where we left off from my last blog, now that Mr. West Coast abruptly became Mr. East Coast, I reluctantly decided to activate my profile on a well known internet dating site.  Why?  Because I had nothing better to do and was looking for some “new” insightful personal development since I had learned so much from my last encounter. 🙂  Unfortunately, my feelings of adventure and spontaneity have lasted all about a week and I’ll be cancelling my membership tomorrow.  I’m over it.

Let me state for the record, I totally support internet dating.  For everyone else, except myself that is.  For the rest of the single world, I think it’s a great way to meet people and I have 2 girlfriends that both married men they met online so based on the small sample size of evidence, it clearly works.  But for me, it just doesn’t resonate for a variety of reasons.

First, I feel like I have to “sell” myself.  Not that this is a bad thing per se and if I ever run out of money, I’ll definitely consider going that route but my problem is that my professional career for the last 22 years is actually in Sales. I have sold everything in technology from consumer hardware to enterprise software to manufacturing services and remember, LAST thing I want to now sell is “myself”. Also see reference to the blog titled “The Writing Workshop.”

Do you know want to know what the first line of my profile says?  “Act now and you’ll get a free set of steak knives”.  It honestly does because an online dating profile to me feels like some kind some twisted personal infomercial. And I might as well be entertaining because everyone loves humor, right?

Secondly, I prefer to get a feel for people energetically in 3D, not 2D.  You know, sense their vibe and see their smile in real life to get a feel for who they are and what they are about.  I think you can tell pretty quickly when there is a connection or not. Sometimes I see men in person that I think are very physically attractive and then after a short conversation, I realize they are not as attractive as I initially thought and other times, I have met men that I didn’t feel attracted to at first but once I got to know them a bit, I found them very attractive.  It’s all about the details for me and emotional as well as intellectual intelligence go a long way in my book.  So basically, I can start to question myself and second guess my choices and it all can become a big mess, fast.

And for me, reading personal essays and looking at carefully placed photos from who knows when just doesn’t cut it because it brings out another hoodlum that I’d rather keep locked up, The Judge. And with Mr. P’s departure, J-Man thinks this is his territory now.

I guess before I go any further, I should talk about one of Mr. E’s proteges. He mentored with Mr. P so he knows the ropes in general.  Meet The Judge. I don’t want to welcome him too much because he’s not very nice. And not just to me (which is a given), but to others as well.  See, when I’m searching through online dating profiles, do you know who is driving the bus? The Judge and I can’t even stand myself when he’s around because it’s such a yucky feeling when he sneaks in.  Just another reason, why I don’t like the online dating process.  He thinks he runs the show. He wants to “critique” every photo, word, interest, status, height, age, whatever he can get his hands on to figure out if this is good, bad, right, wrong, and point out every little detail in the process.  When he is on a roll, it’s like picky on steroids. He can’t wait to bring down the hammer.

Love…Love…Love…Love…Love

Sorry, just trying to clear some space for a little positive energy here.  I don’t want to use my blog to talk negatively about people.  Who am I to judge? Is that a rhetorical question?  I know there is someone out there for everyone and regardless of my “criteria”, that are a ton of really nice people in the world that I could get to know.

And finally, it is my belief that net-net; I don’t translate well on paper.  Because my persona is different when I write than how I actually express myself in real life (this writing stuff is all just a pretend world, right?) Plus, you can’t see my sparkly eyes and sunshine-y smile either which I think makes all of the difference in the world! 🙂

Yes, I am best to be viewed in living color as well.  If you can remember back to the “Life of an Introvert” post, I really don’t like to talk about myself either (unless it’s my blog of course which is the whole purpose of the journey, isn’t it?) I also feel really vulnerable putting myself out there to a bunch of total strangers too. I’m a private person and this all just feels super public to me.  It’s an extrovert’s dream and an introvert’s worst nightmare. Yes, I thought I would only resort to internet dating when hell freezes over.  Hmm, Is it getting cold in here or is it just me?

But because I’m not working I won’t meet people professionally, I live in a 99% “family” oriented area and the majority of my close girlfriends either live far away or are married, so I don’t have a lot of options, well from my couch that is. 🙂  Remember, yesterday’s post?  I’m clearly only half ass interested in making any dating effort anyway (which the Executive is definitely disappointed in) so decided to pay for one month of hell, I mean membership and dive in.  I wonder if I should hold my breath? Not advised.  This is going to take awhile and a little water up the nose should be the least of any concerns at this point. And the last thing I would want to do is be found dead while searching dating sites although I find that kinda ironic in a strange way.

Now, if you haven’t noticed yet, I’m a detail oriented person (S on the Myers Briggs type, which I will talk more about later this week) so this compels me to look at lots and lots of profiles.  Over 2000+ to be exact and that was just my first search.  And because this is Sales, I know very well….it’s a numbers game.  If I wink at 12 men, maybe 4 will respond and out of the 4 maybe I’ll meet with 2 and score with 1.  For those of you unfamiliar with Sales as a profession, this is technically called a “pipeline”.  And if we were consulting together, I would figure out your sales funnel based on your sales process/metrics and we would come up with a “contact to close ratio” that would enable you to predictable forecast your revenue and ideally hit your desired quota.  Make sense?  Sorry, that was the Executive talking, he’s going stir crazy around here.

Back to the search, so I carefully and painfully comb through thousands of profiles on the look out for “potential future husbands” and throw out a couple of emails, a few winks, etc to about 12 men that feel like a good match thus already breaking my rule from yesterday about not initiating first. Great! And do you know how many of those preferred hand selected Mr. Leandra’s respond to me? Zero. I love internet dating.

Huh?  Well, that’s strange.  I don’t think it’s my profile or photos, because I have had my guy friend check it out and he says it looks fine.  Now, we agree too, that he also already knows me in person, so his opinion doesn’t really count.  And of course, when your product isn’t selling, you have to go back and really review your sales pitch, marketing material, value propositions, competitive landscape, product features and benefits, etc.  Sorry, you know who is back.  He can’t help himself. And sure, I can change it all but isn’t that like changing me? Hmm. I’m still not sure who I am but let’s not get started with that again.

But, don’t worry. I’m getting emails alright, but from the 10-12 men that would be very, very unlikely to ever dare to approach me in a thousand years in “real life”.  And the only “match” I want at this point in a “real one” to light myself on fire.

And do you know what is hard top of it all?  My girlfriends have all told me, DO NOT RESPOND TO SOMEONE YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED IN.  Seems like a simple rule to follow but you know what, this makes me feel bad.  Like I am ignoring them and being rude because I’m a really nice person. And maybe they had to muster up a bunch of (liquid) courage to say hello?  So I would rather politely thank them and decline then just not respond at all.  Well, I learned my lesson on this one quickly and they were right.  Now I don’t respond and try not to feel too bad about it.

Ok, so one of the first decent responses I get to my thoughtful yet humorous profile was from a gentlemen that I thought “probably” wasn’t a match but we seemed to have a lot in common and I thought I would give it a try.  His return email was funny too and I thought what the heck.  Live and let die, right? Or Live and let Live?  Or live and let LEARN! Oh, don’t worry, as always, we’ll get to the learning part at the end.

Stay tuned because it’s just about to get good…