Today, I had my very first surf lesson. As I maneuvered my way into my brand new full body wetsuit, I had a strange thought flash into my mind…this is what it must feel like to be a penis inside a condom. (Where this stuff comes from, I truly don’t know). But I then quickly realized that the only thing that wasn’t covered was my head, which obviously from a penial perspective wasn’t good and thus defeated the whole purpose.
Ok, so maybe that was a bad analogy. Maybe this is what a seal feels like? Or a sausage? Or a banana? Enough already. Whatever object I was channeling at the moment, it didn’t matter. The bottom line is that I definitely learned a few things today.
1) Go to the bathroom twice before you put your wetsuit on. I went once but I swear as soon as this skin tight contraption had me trapped, I was convinced I had to go again which definitely wasn’t going to happen.
2) Don’t eat breakfast 15 minutes before you put your wetsuit on. The 2 eggs I ate stopped digesting about a quarter of the way down as soon as I slid into this baby because I could barely breathe let alone allow any organs to continue to function properly hence the instant nausea.
3) It’s best to put your wetsuit on right before you go into the water, not in your living room 15 minutes before you are ready to leave. The neoprene felt more like a convection oven (now, I know what a Thanksgiving turkey feels like) and I immediately started sweating up a storm. And of course, the natural lubrication process sent me right straight back to thinking about you know what. I decided for the sake of zero deodorant and the strange slimy sensation that was coming over me, I would only keep it on 1/2 way on until I made it to the beach.
4) No matter how hot you get, don’t drink any water once you put your wetsuit on. See #1.
5) Take 5 deep breaths before you zip up the back because that is just about when the claustrophobia sets in and you feel completely stuck inside this thing with no way to get out. I honestly thought I was going to have a panic attack. I must have died inside of one in a past life because I was starting to have flashbacks. And please note, once you start sweating inside, removing this thing is twice as hard as it was to get it on.
Luckily, I was finally able to make my way to the beach, found my surf instructor and had an absolute blast. I was a little worried about having “performance anxiety” because I was definitely out of my comfort zone but surprisingly I was able to get up a few times and catch some fun waves. 🙂 It was amazing.
Here are a few of my beginning surfing tips.
1) Bring tissue for the aftermath. The ocean is nature’s Neti pot and it isn’t pretty.
2) While booties keep your feet warm, they prevent you from sliding your feet around to adjust your positioning. Go barefoot, what is the worst thing that can happen…Shrinkage? Once your feet are numb, you won’t feel a thing anyway. 🙂
3) Size matters and these beginner foam boards are big. My instructor told me to carry it on my head, literally. (WTF?) As he then leads me down 100 sandy steps, across the rocks all while trying not to fall as my arms are aching before I even make it to the ocean. IMPORTANT NOTE: Make sure to hook up with a nice hot surfer beforehand to carry it for you because man, that thing was heavy!!
4) If you are going to try and take off your wet-wetsuit in the parking lot, put out a tip jar for the free show you will be giving everyone (while trying to keep your towel on) when you are literally wrestling like crazy trying to get your legs free from the beast. It was like a Britney Spears/Paris Hilton moment except I wasn’t getting out of a limo or a hot sports car and certainly wasn’t going to get into any decent club at the moment looking like I did. At one point, I actually debated on just driving back home with the damn thing around my ankles. Might be awkward to explain to a police officer why I’m naked with a wetsuit around my ankles although if he could grab one leg and give me a little assistance, I would be super grateful.
5) Wet, sandy, dirt does not go well with gray leather interior. Trust me.
Well, now I’m off to try and rinse my Psycho 2 off (it’s the actual name of my wetsuit, I swear!). Brilliant marketing and I couldn’t have come up with a better name for it myself. I think I’m supposed to rinse it…..inside out? Hmmm. Wish me luck!