Welll, guess who’s back from Bali? No, not this taxi driver, he’s still there (but I thought his marketing strategy was pure genius). It’s Me. 🙂 I initially had all of these grand plans of writing during my vacation but obviously that didn’t happen. Then when I came home last week, I had some even grander plans of writing a play by play summary of my trip (complete with entertaining photos) starting with how I missed my flight leaving SFO (not by minutes but by hours, 12 hours to be exact but I’ll tell you all about that later) to all of the wonderful things we saw over the 2 week exploration of the beautiful island(s). But that clearly hasn’t happened either. I’m kind of in this post vacation haze, at least that is what I have been telling myself for the last 5 days.
See, since I’ve been home, I really haven’t done anything. Nothing. No, I’m serious. I really mean it this time. And there is something different now from all of the other times I’ve been telling you I haven’t been doing anything because this time it’s not just a motivation thing, it’s an inspiration thing. Which clearly seems to be missing, along with the Writer of course who I found locked up courtesy of Mr. E.
As you may or may not know, I’m on a constant search for meaning and purpose in my life. Partly because that’s just the way I’m wired and I do also believe that it is part of my soul’s journey this time around. But what has me more than a little bit spooked is when I’ve got nothing going on and it seems like the days are just flying by one after another with no end or meaning in sight. Yikes. It’s really getting bad because I’ve actually been thinking the last couple of days, Shit..if this is way it’s going to be, I might as well go back to work. Because I’m starting to get sick of myself. I took this year off of work to find myself or balance myself, recharge, renew, or whatever and if I’m really not going to be doing that, well then I might as well go back to work and stop sucking my savings account dry. The Executive and his Accountant agrees.
You want to know the first thing that struck me the moment I returned from vacation? How many walls are in my house. See, Bali is open air everything. Bathrooms, bedrooms, restaurants, temples, horse carts, you name it. Nothing but plants, trees, ocean, sky, rain, air. And maybe a few mosquitoes too but let’s not ruin the moment ok? And the second I stepped back into my house I immediately felt enclosed. Confined. As if I suddenly I actually had too many walls in my house. Literally and figuratively. It felt like a metaphor. So I started running around and opening all of the windows (at 10PM while give thanks to the window screens gods) as if I felt a strange urge to try and create some space, bring in some fresh air, reduce the structure in my life. You know, open things up a bit. But it didn’t help.
After further contemplation, I realized this was an interesting insight and now I’m beginning to see the thread. Not just represented specifically in the lack for writing for one (which seems to have escaped me the last few months) but for trying to figure out what to do with my life in general. I’ve kept myself in a box. It used to be a nice neat controlled space but now, everything is falling away. Not just the job and writing but I’ve seemed to have thrown everything else out in the last few weeks too, meditation, exercise, consistent sleep, etc. And guess who is in charge of this horrible new strategy? You know who.
I have come to the sad realization that that reason I wasn’t blogging in June was because I was too busy bitching. Inside my head, of course. Oh yes. And I’m the type of person who always puts others before myself so the last thing I want to do is bitch out loud. Thus no writing because who wants to listen to my shitty attitude? Not me. And I’m assuming not you either. So, I’ve just kept it all to myself. Ruminating. Thoughts, running around my head, over and over and over again. And if I’m not mentally bitching about something, then I’m likely worrying about whatever is or isn’t happening that should or could or would likely be happening if only I wasn’t stuck knee deep in shit that very moment. Yuck. It’s my own personal hell led by you know f*ing who. Yep, General E and Sergent Hyper-V. Looks like since P’s finally out. H-V is in. Bastards.
When I returned from Bali last week, my therapist called to welcome me back and see how my trip went. (He’s super fabulous like that) I gave him a brief check in via phone and told him I really didn’t have any issues to discuss right now. HA! Yeah, right. No really, that’s what I said. “Greg, I’ve got nothing going on in my life so I don’t think I need a session right now.” And I meant it which is something that I have never if ever said. I mean I’ve always got something I can talk about, right? “Ok, he says, call me if you need anything”.
4 days later (today) I’m in his office with tears streaming down my face (so much for not needing any therapy, eh?). Because last night between 2:30-4:40AM as I’m laying there trying to figure out what is going on with my life, is when I finally realized Mr. E has been in the drivers seat for weeks (ok, months). And nothing is going to change unless I step up and get back in charge of a few things immediately. So, we made a list of everything that has dropped by the way side, noted when things started falling apart and a game plan to rebuild. What I realized is that I’ve been stuck in a vibration level that really isn’t serving me well and that started coming about when lots of drama was hitting the fan. Kids, former spouse, health, dating, you name it and I had issues with it. And the show was all being directed and produced beautifully by Mr. E. with Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt as his star headliners.
One thing that I absolutely come to know in my life is that all energy is vibration. Thoughts, actions, feelings, you name it. And what I have been vibrating at is at “low to no” sprinkled in with lots of negativity too. I’ve temporarily lost touch with my soul and all of my archetypes/activities channeling the positive energy that truly support my best highest vibrating self. My energy is one thing I absolutely and always have control over so it’s just a matter of choice. If I am conscious and present, I don’t have to star or engage in the show. I can just observe it. Somewhere along the way, I moved from the audience to a cast member and I definitely won’t be joining the next performance.
So first things first, I’ve got to f*ing write..to save myself from myself. It’s the easiest way for me to “watch” what is happening. And it’s the one thing I promised myself to do today. Check. Plus, you want to know what? I’ve got to lighten up. Laugh at it all, like my taxi cab friend above. Enjoy and have a little fun with life. Mr. E doesn’t like fun because fun leads to joy and joy leads to happiness. And those places are where he knows my soul thrives.
Second, I’ve got to attempt to get 8 hours of sleep for my sanity’s sake. I can’t up my vibe if my body is tired. Once I get a clear head tomorrow, I’m going to start lay out a new plan.
Look out world, the Writer is back. 🙂