After a long week of contemplation, I have decided to give up the search for the “Old Me”. Yep, I’m letting myself go (not literally just figuratively) as I have come to the realization, it’s a complete waste of time looking for my old self as it just keeps me in resistance to discovering who I am becoming. See, as I watched all my “selves” is disarray last week, I also noticed I was in a bit of mourning process too which made me realize, it’s definitely time to say goodbye and move on. I feel ready now. And I’m a closure kinda gal, although I’ve recently realized for more reasons that I originally thought (don’t worry, I’ll tell that story later) so let’s see, how about a nice goodbye letter?
Dear Mr. P,
Thank you for all of the love and support over the years. While you often made me crazy, I know that in certain aspects of my life, you actually pushed me to be the “best me” possible and for that I will always be eternally grateful.
With love, Leandra
Good. That’s sounds nice. I want to remember the positives not the negatives about that little perfectionist trait I’ve been carrying around all these years because it’s been a part of me that I need to love regardless.
Want to hear something interesting? This week, someone had asked me out for drink and was describing this “perfect” date scenario. And in that moment when I read those words, my body actually shivered. It was like he hit a nerve and triggered a cellular response to how that word used make me felt emotionally. See, this gentlemen doesn’t know about Mr. P, (and the actual date is a whole separate post within itself) and when he started going on and on about the “perfect this and perfect that”, I realized it was a choice point. And instead of unconsciously absorbing it into my system, my body threw up the red flag and rejected it.
As I sat there and stared at this words for a few minutes, I wanted to scream, “It doesn’t have to be perfect, you know!“. But I quickly remembered, this is my shit not his and just to stay in the moment, step back and observe the sentiment in which he was trying to convey. To him, it was harmless thought and really a kind gesture of a great evening but for me, it was interesting how quickly it brought me back to a wound if I let it. As Mr. E toyed with the idea for a minute, I heard:
“Perfection is just being in the moment“
I knew that definitely wasn’t from Mr E and he quietly backed away. I know I don’t have to do anything to be perfect, I am perfect just the way I am.
Progress. I can truly say, I have been doing something these last 3 months. I am evolving.
Do you know what yesterday was? My three month not working anniversary! Wow, time flies, eh? And do you want to know what? I think I’m finally ready to accept it. Yes, I have realized I have been in nothing but resistance and freaking out about the whole thing and it’s time to change my tune and enjoy it.
I mean how lucky am I just to have the opportunity to be able to take time off and not worry about it from a financial or career perspective? Very lucky and I have vowed effective immediately to change my perspective about this adventure. Yes, I’m adopting an “Attitude of Gratitude!” I’m finally ready to enjoy this “Sabbatical” of mine and make the most of it. The big question for me is how I can bring a little more fun into my life.
The first thing I would like to make is a conscious effort to get back into writing a bit every day. Even if it’s short, I believe it assists in the healing process and is a creative outlet that feels significant for me right now. Also, I think I’m going to make a list of some new fun things to try each week. Branch out a bit and explore the world, well at least the tri-county area for starters.
Yes, I’m going to settle in and embrace this amazing time and appreciate every step of the journey. So, Happy 3 Month Anniversary, Leandra. You’ve come a long way, baby! Xoxo