Ok, now that we have covered the demise of Mr. P, let’s continue the hunt for my missing self, shall we? I know I left my old self around here somewhere. Let’s see…purse, car keys, cell phone….Identity? Ah, ok I think maybe the last time I saw me was right before I got sick 2 weeks ago. Yes, I’m pretty sure that was around my weekend hiking date and that was definitely when I noticed I was no longer the artist formally known as Prince, I mean Leandra.
Now, that day date is a whole separate topic but let me see if I can bottom line the critical point of awareness that seemed raise the flag on my current departure. See, I met this super nice guy and he is kinda different from the other type of guys that I have dated in the past which is slightly unsettling. Not different in a bad way per se, I think in many cases, some really good ways but for some reason, I was feeling unsure if it was the right match. And the more I noticed myself mentally running down the list of all the things he was or wasn’t, I realized, Oh no, it’s just not him…it’s ME. Here I am projecting all of my crap onto him and I’m the one who is different too! And as you can imagine, this set off a whole lot of alarm bells in my head because I wasn’t sure just how I felt about this little nugget of self discovery.
But what definitely had me taken back by this notion was I that I truly have become content and in a place of completely accepting myself just as I am or should I say “was” and now what…I’m suddenly different? I’m not who I thought I was? Or am? Shit, this is confusing. And is this all…good or bad? Well, Mr. E thinks it’s bad (of course) and what I realize is that he doesn’t want to admit that the anchor points I have developed within myself for oh, the last 20 years of my adult life are coming undone. Shifting. Moving. Changing. Glup. And the uncertainty of this realization now has everyone freaked out inside to say the least.
See, the “Little Me” tends to get anxious with lack of stability, so the “Big Me” wants to find the “Old Me” as quickly as possible because that is what feels most comfortable and secure. It’s actually not about the “Old Me” being good or bad, it’s about it being familiar. And as you can imagine, all of the voices that are speaking the loudest want this little mishap corrected A.S.A.P. Well, everyone except for the “New Me” of course. (Whoever the heck that is!) Yes, there is the ultimate question that I really should be pondering. If the “Old Me” is leaving, who is going to replace me? And if I’m getting an upgrade, can we add a little more to the top? Just in case I need it later…
Now, the writer is definitely part of the new girl party posse but other than that, the rest of my gal pals haven’t really been discovered yet, (at least, not consciously), which is starting to make all of the other Me’s super crazy in the interim. No, really? It’s one thing to lose the old me, but if I can’t figure out or fully understand the new me, that were does that exactly leave ME?? Scared and ungrounded for sure and maybe a new patient candidate for a mental institution? Definitely.
As I have watched myself wrestle with this dilemma over the last couple of weeks, what I do know is that deep down inside regardless of even if I could find the “Old Me”, I’ve come too far to go back even if I could. Yes, the “Old Me” just no longer works (apparently literally and figuratively) because with the shift I have been making over the last couple of months, I’m definitely past the point of no return. Yikes! Yep, I’ve realized I’m stuck right smack dab in the middle of some wannabe search and rescue mission for myself with Mr. E leading the charge. And what I have noticed is not just the resistance from Mr. E in the changing of the guard but that there is no stability or security in this unknown space either. So, now what? Well, all of this confusion starts to makes the Little Me, very, very nervous. Why? It’s simple. It has to do with Fate, Destiny and Numerology. 🙂
Let me start by defining fate as what has been predetermined and written into our life’s contract before we were born. It’s the soul’s agreement of incarnation into our body, gender, race, culture, appearance as well as family of origin for the perfect set up for your life’s purpose. Yep, I hate to break it to you but guess, what? Each one of you picked all of those teeny tiny details beforehand (yes, even your family) because there is no pre-birth roulette wheel of chance, it was all totally planned out and by YOUR soul, no less! 🙂 Brilliant, eh? Now, once you get here, it’s free will central but I’ll save that topic for another time. I have really loved learning about my soul’s contract and found it personally empowering because I now know, it’s all connected to a greater purpose.
Let me walk you through myself as an example. I was born in 1971 in Australia. Cool, huh? It’s a great story. As legend has it, my parents met in hitchhiking (in the San Francisco bay area), eloped, jumped on a freight boat to Australia, had my sister and I and then came back and got divorced. Ok, not an ideal ending but the Sagittarian (which spell check suggests, Sanitarian instead; note to self for future job search) in me just loves the spontaneity and adventure of it all. Another interesting fact is that also didn’t have a name for 10 days. (Hmm, I now wonder if this somehow is linked to my current identity crisis?) My mom named my sister and so my Dad got to name me and clearly had a hard time deciding. It wasn’t a planned pregnancy and my dad was secretly hoping for a boy. But I popped out and supposedly (thankfully) my mom vetoed Billy Jean Louise so it was just a matter of time until the name “Leandra” came to him in the middle of the night.
Unfortunately once my family returned back to California and parents split, it was a pretty unstable environment. My mom struggled as a young single mother of two small girls with no money or education with my father basically bailing on top of it all, it wasn’t an easy life.
What I find interesting about this is that I know I definitely signed up to experience these dynamics as a child so I could work through it as a soul lesson. Yes, that is the destiny part but I won’t come full circle until a few years ago. See, I ended up marrying young (22 years old) because I realized back then (unconsciously) I really craved some stability and security in my life that I had lacked as a child. And while my marriage was solid on those 2 aspects, as I evolved and developed into myself over the years, what was missing in the other areas of my marriage became a real internal struggle.
Ah, now the perfect lead in to destiny which is learning to work with your challenges so that you can be who and what you truly are (at a soul level) by the power of choice and ultimately how you are able to harness that into being of positive service to others and the world. The hardest thing I have ever done in my life was to leave my 15 year marriage. With 2 kids, I had always felt it was critical that the family unit stay together, regardless of my personal happiness. And it a lot of it was because I was convinced “my kids” absolutely needed that “stability and security”. When then one day, my extraordinary therapist at that time pointed out, that was MY ISSUE not theirs. And she then kindly added, “They have a whole different set of issues”. 🙂 Great. Now, I’ve ruined my kids in totally other ways.
Here is the funny thing about the universe, when we are not steering towards our destiny, it likes to us send little gentle little reminders to get us on track. It starts as a whisper (quiet thought in our head), then a knock (problem arises), which if goes unanswered…moves to a nudge (conflict/issues/major choice points) and then a full force bitch slap (physical manifestation of super bad stuff) . See, while I have actually come to believe that my marriage was part of my contract to experience, I should have left long before I actually did. I ignored the whispers, knocks and nudges. Unfortunately, it took me getting physically sick before I could finally muster up the courage to go and to save/heal myself.
Now, the most fun part, let me throw in some Numerology to pull it all together because I just love tying in the Universe’s tools, especially when I find something profound. First, let me tell you that my lucky number is 4. It as always been for my entire life. I remember as a little girl just loving that number and it has stuck with me with a fondness that has really increased over the years. A few years ago, someone asked me if I was familiar with Numerology. I wasn’t, so they recommended a book which of course I ordered immediately and dove into the moment it arrived. This book in particular was about your “Life Path” number which is just one aspect of Numerology. The way to find out this number is to add all of the numbers of your birth date (month, day, year) together and reduce it down to a final single digit, which guess what my life path number was….4. So, I think to myself, Wow, that is such a crazy coincidence. I go and look up what “4” means and do you know what it says? 4 = Stability and Process. Holy Guacamole!! I could go on and on about this because the details are totally fascinatingly but let me just say this…
I now know that my soul choose an unstable childhood for me to experience that type of environment in order to grow, learn and (then hopefully) seek out stability as I grew older. I found this stability externally through my marriage which then I ultimately had to leave to find internally within myself. I was so scared to leave because I can now see my 4 year old little self was afraid as she remembered the lack of stability and security that I experienced as a child. And even though now as an adult, I am successful, independent, capable woman who feels stronger and more secure than ever…well minus the quitting working thing. Because please note for the record, I have worked ever since I was 16 years old. Not only has it been part of my identity, it’s been definitely part of my stability too. See the rub?
The other day I spoke with my therapist about the missing me and how the doing nothing novelty is starting to wearing off. I told him I think I need some meaning, some purpose. And that is why I thought the whole writing the book thing would be good for some part of me but now I’m not even sure which part. But even with that said, I explained to him that I haven’t been writing consistently over the last month so I’m not even really doing anyway and the days are just flying by filled with a whole lot of “nothingness”. Oh sure, I work out, I meditate, I do lots of “meaningless” errands but come on, none of this “counts”. I am used to having tangible results for my time and effort and without that, I can’t seem to give myself any official credit for doing “something” that a part of me so badly needs to justify for myself on some level.
My therapist reiterated that doing “nothing” is actually doing “something” and what I am doing is actually “being” which is a total mindset shift and lifestyle change for me, when I hear a voice inside my head say..
“I am not important.”
Wow. This struck me as I had never had this conscious active thought before about feeling the “need to be important” but regardless I knew immediately who was doing the talking. But instead of letting my Ego run this little statement up and down the flag pole as fast as possible, I stayed in the observer mode to just listen without judgement or self destruction is more like it. Yes, I used to fill my day with activities that “seemed” important so in essence I felt worthy, needed, special, significant, stable etc. and now that it was all gone, something else was going with it. And that’s when it hit me.
It was totally ironic. I thought my Ego was saying to myself “I’m not important” but really it was a statement that turned back a reflection onto my Ego in truth that my Ego IS NO longer the most important thing especially as defined by my career. WOW. Powerful and so true. Especially in light of the memory of Mr. P. And then I realized, I honestly think I am actually accomplishing “something”. And there it is. 🙂
So I guess, for right now, I am the in “Middle Me”. Somewhere between the Old Me and New Me. I’m not sure if you are still even with me as I ramble through this post… I know, it’s all a bit of a mess but I promise…you and all the Me’s both, I’ll figure this out soon.
*Honorable Books of Mention – Transforming Fate into Destiny by Robert Ohotto, Your Soul’s Plan by Robert Schwartz, The Life You Were Born to Live by Dan Millman