Lions,Turkeys and Bees….Oh my!

Guess, who’s gone?  Herp?  No, I wish.  He’s hanging on for dear life and serious cramping my lifestyle.  I was actually avoiding seeing my new “male” friend this weekend but finally caved in after some carefully applied concealer (which honestly just makes it look worse) and giving him fair “warning” about my physical state so he didn’t go into shock when he saw me.  And you know what?  He didn’t even care about it.  How fabulous is he? 🙂

So, anyway back to my story.  Guess who’s (or is it whose) bags I was gleefully packing up yesterday?  Missy’s?  Yep!  My sister came home last night (thank the universe) and I couldn’t wait to drop her off. Which in turn gave me 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep last night!  Yahoo!  No barking, licking, sniffing, scratching or standing in my backyard practically naked in the middle of the night for a potty break (Missy’s, not mine).  And since I’m feeling so refreshed this morning, Herp and I decided to go on a little walk at Rancho San Antonio which is a nature preserve right around the corner from my house.  I like to hike up there twice a week but since I’ve had Missy and also have been a bit under the weather as well, I am long over due to go out and recalibrate with Mother Nature.

Rancho San Antonio is a 3,988 acre preserve area that has over 23 miles of hiking trails and is absolutely beautiful .  As you can imagine, it’s an amazing place with lots of different types of animals roaming through the hills.  Of course I always see the usual birds, squirrels, rabbits, insects, etc. and today I even saw some wild turkeys!  There have also been several sightings of mountain lions but they usually post a caution sign if one has been spotted within the last 24 hours.  Now, the first time I saw this “Mountain Lion” warning sign at the entrance, Hyper-V was a little more than concerned to say the least but the sign right next to it had instructions on what to do which made some voice inside my head feel a little bit better because it’s all about being prepared in my book.

1) Face the lion and step back slowly.       Smart.  Got it.

2) Shout obscenities loudly at the lion.     Easy.

3) Do not sacrifice your children.              Note to self.

4) Fight back.                                               Good to know.

I guess, it’s true what they say, you can’t out run a mountain lion so I guess wrestling it might be better? Interesting and worth a try, I suppose.  So today, as Herp and I were walking up the hill, we see a new sign.  Caution! Swarming Honeybees.  Hmm.  Anything with the word swarming and bees doesn’t sound good.  So Hyper-V comes rushing out to survey the danger and I think.. Ok, since I’m obviously not a bee keeper, I’m not sure what that really means.

Where are the instructions????  What am I supposed to do with the swarming honeybees?  Will they attack me?  Do I run or do I walk?  Do I flap my arms and wail about or stand still and be quiet? If I start screaming bloody murder will that make them more upset?  Is my pink North Face windbreaker going to repel them or will they think I’m some big ass wild flower and come looking for some sweet nectar?

Actually, I don’t even know the difference between a honeybee and a regular bee.  Don’t all bees make honey?  Are honeybees nice bees or mean bees like killer bees?  And most importantly, if I get stung by a honeybee, will I die?

Now, as you can imagine, there are a lot of voices that are rallying up a storm inside my head.  Mr. E steps up to bat with a little fear, Hyper-V has already got the bases covered with uncertainty and now The Student wants to learn all about bees.  Great.  But as you can see, just in that very moment, all I’m looking for is a few simple instructions on what to do if I am attacked by honeybees just like mountain lion sign.  Is a little life saving information really too much to ask here?  Well, Hyper-V doesn’t think so and to be honest, he is totally exhausted from this whole Missy thing over the last 2 weeks  anyway and the very last thing he now wants to do is be on high stage alert with these crazy bees.

Of course, PTSD wants to join the party too and quickly scans for any prior trauma with bees.  None?  Good.  Ok, so if we get attacked by the killer honeybees, what shall we do?  Stop, drop and roll?  Hmm.  I think that’s if I am on fire.  Take cover under a table, desk or doorway?  Nope.  That’s for an earthquake.  Ah, now I remember, if a swarm of bees is chasing you, jump into a lake.  I mean that is what do they do on the cartoons, right?

So, I stop for a few minutes and survey the situation.  I look around carefully, listen for any signs of the loud buzzing sounds and when it seems like the coast is clear, I snap a picture of the sign with my new phone (to add a visual for our discussion today).  Closer.  Closer.  How do I work this camera again.  Closer. Focus.  Ah, there we go. And then what do I see??? IT’S THE $#(*&$ KILLER HONEYBEES!!  Swarming at the bottom of the caution sign.  AAAAHHH!!  Can you see it them?  Holy Guacamole!

Look closely at the picture on the left hand side at the bottom of the sign. You know, it’s the big black cluster of man eating bees??  YIKES!!  I didn’t see them until I took the photo.  I guess for the moment they seem to be basking in the publicity of it all so without any courtesy directions from the park rangers, guess what I do?  I run.  I couldn’t help it.  Minus any other data points to tell me otherwise, fight or flight just kicks in and if I have to fight the mountain lion, it’s probably best to take flight from these bees and fast.

Of course there is no body of water in sight so I just take my chances and keep on running until I feel like I’m in a safe enough distance away from those bees.  They are probably celebrity honeybees and not fond of the paparazzi so I didn’t want to take any chances by hanging out waiting for another photo op. And do you know what I am going to do as soon as I get home, research of course on bee emergency procedures…just in case I need to defend myself in the future.

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This entry was posted in Ego, Herp (The cold sore), Hyper-V, Missy (My sister's dog), Mr. E, PTSD, The Student and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Lions,Turkeys and Bees….Oh my!

  1. Leslie says:

    Love it.
    A Good man!
    So glad you are safe & sound. 🙂
    Animal totem on bees?
    Xoxo

  2. BMassa says:

    I am laughing out loud right now and just read this to my husband. I’m crying with laughter and I promise it’s not from the pink eye. 🙂 Thank GOODNESS you survived that tenuous situation with those crazy ass bees. A pink north face wind breaker can only add so much protection…. tho’ i am certain your Usain Bolt like speed would have kept you firmly out of harms way. Phew! This blog post is just pure fabulosity. XOXO -B (ps. i have learned a valuable lesson should I ever encounter a mountain lion… I’m working on my “becoming large” as we speak)

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