Blog Envy

Another glorious day.  Actually, what day is it?  You know since I’ve been off the corporate treadmill, all of the days seem to blend together.  Let’s check the calendar.  Ah, it’s Wednesday.  Do you know what that means?  Absolutely nothing. 🙂 Oh, no, actually it does mean something, I need to remember to take the garbage out tonight because tomorrow is garbage day!  Wow.  I’ve got quite the life. Jealous?  Don’t be.  I think my ass is becoming one with my couch cushion.

Let’s check out WordPress!  Awesome.  It’s past time that I figure this whole thing out.  See, I literally just jumped on this blogging train a couple of weeks ago and started writing.  I didn’t want to get caught up in the “how do you use this site” thing because I know that is a very slippery slope for me.  But a week or so ago I realized I didn’t set up any categories or tags and my Executive was starting to develop an eye twitch about it.  Yes, he was stressed because I had zero organized structure going on within my little blog world.  Sure, I’ll create some categories and tags just for him because he has been good to me throughout my career years and I need to keep him happy so when I go back to “whatever”, we are still tight.  Don’t worry my Executive compadre, I’ve got your back.

So, I create some categories and tags not really having any idea what I am doing.  Oh well.  It doesn’t matter anway.  This blog is just for me and a few close friends so it’s all good.  But you know the crazy thing that happened after I did that?  I think those tags allow my blog to be seen by other bloggers because the last couple of days, I’ve been getting likes and follows from my fellow blogging peeps.  Wow.  How cool is that? And if someone that I don’t even know is going to take the time to read one of my posts and give me a shout out, then I am definitely going to return the favor.  This is more than just a free blog site, it’s an actual community of really interesting and nice people and I’ve realized, this could get ugly real quick.  Because you know me, I could just sit here all day long and read my heart out.

And I must say, there are definitely some amazing writers out there.  And you should see some of their sites.  Gorgeous colors, different fonts, custom formats and the piece de resistance (sorry, no idea how to make the accent marks above the e’s) are the photos embedded in each post.  Ooooooohh. Ahhhhhhh.  Great.  Now, I officially have blog envy and I’m in awe… and fear.  Because I want to be a great blogger too.  I want to create a super cool blog experience for my readers too. Uh-oh.  Oh no.. No. Definitely not.  Come on.  No way.  Not now.  Shit.  Here it comes.  It’s coming ….

Be kind to myself.  Be kind to myself.  Be kind to myself.

Why don’t I go back and look at my site now that I have seen all of these other incredible sites.

Be kind to myself.  Be kind to myself.  Be kind to myself.

Hmm.  What do we have here?  No photos?  No cool fonts?  No customized style templates?  No..

There’s no place like home.  There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.

Wrong mantra, Dorthy and if I am going to go that route, I’m going to need to invest in some nice ruby slippers instead of these beige funky furry kind. There is no way I’m going to show up in Kansas wearing these things.

Please, please be kind to myself.  Pretty please.  With sugar on top?

Breathe.  Breathe.  Come on, deep breath.  There you go.  One more.  In…..Out…. My blog site is just fine.  It’s perfect actually.  Just what I need for now.  I just need a place to type.  That’s all.  It’s safe here.  It’s easy.  It’s all meant to be, remember?  It’s totally perfect for me right now, here in this moment. Good.  Ok? Ok.  I feel better.  Another deep breath.  Yes, I’m a good blogger.  I’m a good blogger?  Yes, I am definitely a booger.  What? A Booger?  Whoops, typo. I meant blogger.  It’s ok.  One more deep breath. Everything is going to be fine, I just need a distraction.  You know what, I think I’ve had enough of WordPress for now and should get back to that list and hey, maybe find something fun to do?

Great.  Ok,  yes, I’m going to refocus. I’m going to do something on my list today. Sure, why not? I’ve got nothing to lose at this point.  Ok, where is that project list.  Ah, here it is. Let’s take a look at what’s is on this project list.  Hmm. This list sucks.  You want to know what the problem is with this list?  There is honestly nothing fun on it.  Get my oil changed? Really? That’s my big outing for the week? Well, if that is my highlight, let’s savor it for one more day, shall we?  Might be too much excitement for today.  Tomorrow.  We can build up the anticipation, make it like an adventure.  Sure, though it’s totally unlikely anything exciting is going to happen at Toyota Sunnyvale.  Clearly, not only do I need to be kinder to myself but I definitely need to add some “fun” to my life as well.

Oh, yes.  Not only is it garbage day but let’s make this official with Be Kind to Myself – Day 1. And I think I just dodged my first bullet this morning.  Whew, that was a close one.  I wonder if it’s safe now.  Let me peek..

SILENCE

Good sign, right?

SILENCE

Nothing, eh?  Hmm.  Should I take that literally or figuratively?

Well, it seems ok for now, but I’m sure this won’t last very long.  Maybe I should be more proactive, you know, have a plan so when those old nasty thoughts come around, I’m ready.  I almost lost it earlier so I definitely need to be better prepared.

Mr. E: As you all know, we’ve got a new initiative of self love and kindness so let’s all chip in and do our part.  How about a round table with some suggestions.  Who’s first?

The Student: How about a “How to love yourself book?  That would have a lot of ideas that we might be able to learn about and apply.

The Executive: Yes, then I can make a list and put together a strategy of how we want to accomplish and implement these activities. How about one activity a day to start? I can get a spreadsheet going so we can track and measure the progress as well.

The Perfectionist:  Out of office message. Hi, I’m currently on an extended leave of absence.  If you need any assistance, please feel free to contact Mr. E.

The Writer: I don’t think we need to “do” anything so I’m just going to keep writing and go with the flow.

The Seeker: I believe everything is on the right track for this journey, let’s be present in the moment and I know it will all work out.

Mr. E: Ok. Thanks for all the input. I think I’m going to go solo on this one but will be in touch if I need anything.

That was fast.  Looks like Mr. E is being proactive alright, he’s already working up something for me to “do” now around my new “I Love Me” project.  He’s such a doll!  But don’t worry, I’m completely certain I don’t technically need to “do” anything because I actually already “do” a lot of very nice things for myself all the time. (Like work on customizing my blog site so I can be proud of it?) Hey, Zip it E.  I’m doing the talking right now. Sorry.

Where were we?  Yes, as I discussed yesterday, my issue is not the things I do for myself but how I simply treat myself inside.  So this should be easy right?  All I need to do is “be mindful” of my thoughts.  And sure, Mr. E. is totally down with that too.  Surprised?  Don’t be.  Mr. E. is completely on board with the whole “love myself” thing. Oh yes. Absolutely, positively, 100% supportive.  He’s a total team player.

Because to him, what could be better?  Try to treat myself with loving kindness is just business as usual as you noticed earlier.  He’s got that gig down pat and already mastered the art of self deprecation. And now with this new little project, he can get an extra dig when I’m not loving myself because now I am suppose to be kind to myself ALL OF THE TIME. Score! It’s like extra points.  The basket and the free throw.  Not only will I experience the first swipe on the initial “whatever unkind thought I was thinking to myself” but as soon as I acknowledge it, he goes back again because I’m not supposed to have unkind thoughts anymore, remember? So I screwed that up too.  Double whammy!  And he’s confident just like all of the other things I have tried before over the years, this little charade won’t last long before he’s back on top.

But what he doesn’t realize is that I’m serious this time.  Like super serious.  Like going to save the world (or at least myself) serious.  Unfortunately, I have a very high tolerance for pain.  Ok, not physical pain per se but emotional pain.  I’ve been through a lot in my life and I’ve built up quite a large amount of  mental endurance that would make most professional athletes proud but when I get to a breaking point (which I feel like I am with this “good enough” crap), look out.  I’m taking this game up to a whole new level.

Over the years, I’ve studied Mr. E very closely and he is not your average opponent so I can’t just take a direct hit at him.  I’m going to have to out smart him.  Yep, and I know exactly the trick.  Want to know how? Ready?  It’s Love.  Huh? Yep, Love.  I’m going to kill him with kindness too! Actually, I’ll throw in a little gratitude as well that will really send him into a tail spin (in the nicest most loving way of course)  See my therapist taught me a little trick a while back and I’m finally ready to put it into action.

What we have to remember is that there is nothing Mr. E. loves more than good fight.  One of things he thrives on is resistance.  He loves to eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  So what one would think is that I just have to be diligent about not having any unkind thoughts about myself.  Yeah, right.  Come on, we all know I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell with that approach.  That won’t last for a few hours let alone days.  I need something better and stronger.  And this is where the good stuff comes in, L-O-V-E … Love.  Yes, Love is truly the answer.

So, what I’m going to do is when I have these unkind thoughts towards myself, ideally, I can catch them before they come..like I did earlier.  But when he ambushes me and those unkind thoughts sneak in totally unexpected…I’m going to actually thank Mr. E for the “protection”.

See, this is where I actually do have compassion for the Ego.  He is just doing his job.  He thinks he is protecting us from everything and everyone else.  And if we want to get super technical, we actually all do need an Ego to function in general so I don’t think that truly getting rid of it is ever an option. We just need to work with it as an ally, you know, kinda like a frenemie.  Guide our thoughts to good vs evil and still save the world.

Side note: Want to hear what happened at the grocery store today?  After all of yesterday’s blog, guess what?  I forgot my damn bag again!!!  Geez.  Anyway, I’ll cut to the chase and get right to the point.  I was at the check out aisle of course without my bag.  The checker asked, Do you want a bag? Now, I only had a few things so it wasn’t a huge deal but do you know what I said out of no where.  “No thanks, if I can’t remember my own bag, I don’t deserve one of yours.  WTF??  Deserve a bag? Really? Where the hell did that come from?  But do you see?  Mr. E is upping the ante.  I have gone from “not good enough” now to “not worthy” either?  I was completely shocked as soon as it left my mouth. I have absolutely no idea where that came from and remember from my post last week, I’m an introvert which means I always think before I speak.  But this one slipped right through completely undetected.  Incredible.

Impressive move, Mr. E old pal. I was stunned as I walked out the door and then just laughed it off and thought, Good one.  “Yes, Thank you.  Thank you for protecting me.  I know you are just keeping us safe.”  And do you know what thoughts I had immediately following.  Nothing.  Nada.  Not a damn thing.  It stopped him dead in his tracks.  This little tool neutralizes the Ego thought process completely. Fascinating.  And it totally worked.

Yep, I’m on a mission alright and this is just starting to get good. 🙂

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This entry was posted in Ego, Mr. E, Mr. P, The Executive, The Perfectionist, The Student, The Writer and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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