One thing that I might have not mentioned yesterday is that with that little burst of honey making energy, a “to do” list magically appeared out of no where. See, the Executive is really good at making lists of all the things that I need “to do” because as we all know, since I’ve been home, things have definitely been piling up. And yesterday, I only shared a few of things that I “did do” not the full list that I “didn’t do” because why spoil all the fun so soon?
And the Executive was just following orders because as always, you-know-who is behind scenes. Sadly, one of the things I heard in my head during last week’s slug fest was that I was “wasting” my time off. Ouch. Low blow. Where’s the ref and foul on that play? Wasted is such a strong word for me and Mr. E. knows it. Unfortunately, there is a part of me feels disappointed in myself and as I mentioned in the beginning of this adventure, not good enough has been a major thread in my life. Actually, I have come to learn that it is just one part of the human experience many of us wrestle with. Worthiness, Trust and Fear of Abandonment. These are Mr. E’s secret weapons of mass destruction and the after math can be just devastating.
Looking back, the last 4 years have truly been life changing for me on so many levels. But regardless of all of the hurdles and significant experiences that I have had to go through, nothing has ever felt wasted. “Wasted” to me feels like a lack of appreciation, a disregard for value or like watching something wither away. Yep, that word stings for sure.
And you know what? It’s words like those that the more I slow down and really start listening to all of these voices, the more I truly realize how hard I am on myself. Which has finally reached the point where I’m putting my foot down and saying, Enough already!! I mean, it’s not like I haven’t been aware of it all of these years but I was so busy “doing”, I didn’t have to really face it “mono e mono”. Plus it used to drive me which I didn’t think was such a bad thing.
But slowly as I have been chipping away at Mr. E’s core, I realize I’m standing face to face with my evil nemesis. I think the gig is just about up and I can feel a major transformational shift coming. But , it’s never easy because this energy has been playing like a tape recorder in my subconscious for a very long time. It is said that 96% of our thoughts come from our subconscious conditioning. Crazy, isn’t it? That makes one think, how much of what we are doing is really coming from our best most highest self. It’s one thing to recognize this voice, which I definitely have, but it’s a whole other thing to change it.
“I wonder technically how many words a blog post is supposed to be? I heard recently that 1500-2000 words is “not” a blog. Red flag. Let’s check the internet. Yikes. It’s true. It looks like many people say only 500-800 words per blog. Hmm. Not good. Clearly, I’m not doing this correctly. I wish I would have known that before I started so I could have been doing it right all along. Let’s check the damage on my past blog posts.”
“1318, 1562, 1663, 2030, 1979, 2221, 1973, 2131, 1814, 1717, 1529, 2428??? Yikes. My posts are getting longer for sure. Obviously too long. Maybe I should shorten them up, make it more tight, crisp and to the point so people can digest them easier. And I’m still all over the map with this subject thing and content flow. But regardless of the length and topic, if it’s engaging, they will keep reading, right? I really want people to enjoy reading them.”
“Hmm, but if I truly want to talk about the path that has gotten me here today and do it with the humor stuff, shorter just won’t work. Because making it shorter will lose some of the free form conscious thought process that is the whole essence of my writing style. Actually, come to think of it, sometimes I’m not even getting to the heart of it all because each post feels like it needs to stand on it’s own even though I would rather have them build on each other like a story but obviously not every one reads every post.”
“And I am struggling trying not reference too much back to prior posts because if someone didn’t read the initial explanations, then they won’t understand the character references. Everyone understands that Mr. E is my ego, right or should I call it out every time? Well, I could continue to just write short funny single story blogs but I want really want to convey more insightful and informative information. But maybe the readers don’t like those parts?”
“I wonder if the humor is taking center stage? But that’s ok, right? That’s part of the fun. Well, the humorous posts are definitely entertaining but I also want to have some deeper more intimate conversations. Maybe I can label the funny posts as funny, and the serious posts as serious? That way people can just read the blog tones they like most. But they are they are all connected together. Ok, this is getting hard.”
“What am I really trying to accomplish here anyway and why did I even started writing in the first place? I really hate not having a purpose. Especially now that I’m not working. I feel a little lost. Maybe I should really consider trying to write a book. That will at least give me something to do. But I really have no idea how to start. Plus I certainly don’t really have the time, energy and effort for blogging AND book writing and I’m not sure people will really be interested in a book anyway.”
“I guess I can just stick to the shorter funny pieces, it’s light and fun and that is probably what people like most anyway. Yes, there is nothing better than healing through laughter, right? I mean, now some people reading my blog, I certainly don’t want to disappoint them, right? They are definitely expecting the humor for sure and so it’s my duty to deliver it. Forget the book and the serious stuff, just be funny, ok?”
Yeah, right. No pressure. As my heart sinks, I’d like to introduce you other voice in my head, “The Servant” who wears a black and white freshly pressed pleaser uniform. This gem always puts others needs, wants and desires of others before their own. I sometimes fall into this trap of trying to make everyone else happy first when then I realize there isn’t anything left for me. Or I’m not honoring what I really want to do. Many times I have done things out of obligation, pressure, taking the path of least resistance, or just trying to please them because I knew that was, well, what they wanted. This voice has no needs, no authority and suppresses most true personal feelings.
A few years ago, I heard the phrase, there is a difference between “service and servitude”. That smacked me right upside my apron wearing head. Not only am I NOT helping myself when I am in this mode this but I’m not really authentically helping others either. I really do enjoy be of service but definitely not servitude.
Hopefully you have read enough now to see, this isn’t the core, just a layer a la Mr. Easy E and his 2 Live Crew and you know what the bottom line is regardless of who is in his driver’s seat, I’m just not very nice to myself. Sure, I like myself “well enough” but just not “quite enough”.
Please note for the record, I do think I am a smart, attractive, successful woman who always strives to be kind and caring to others. Also, I do consider myself a good friend, mother, sister, even lover…well, when I’m not beating myself up over something I should of, could of, didn’t or did do. See, this “enough thing” has had its times of being ruthless, but it is definitely not like I treat myself like a total punching bag. It’s subtle relentless jabs not full body knock outs.
Let me give you a real life little example. I would really love nothing more than to use my recycle bags every time I go to the grocery store. Sounds easy, right? And why? Because it brings me joy to know I’m doing my part to save the planet and also prevents the truck load of empty bags from accumulating under my kitchen sink. Win-win. So, ready to play the numbers game? How many fabric-y recycle bags do you think I own? Oh, like 8-10? Wow. I’m quite the recycle queen, right? Wrong. Because I every time I’m at the damn store and I buy a new one because I have forgotten mine at home. Do you know how many recycle bags I keep in my car? Um, zero? Good answer! Yes, zero because I always forget to put them back in my car.
See, I used to have only have 2. One in my car and one at home and you know when I would remember them? Yep, you are getting good at this…in the check out line when they are asking me paper or plastic? So in my determination and brilliance, I decided to buy several more because I obviously just didn’t have enough and that was the problem!?
So last week, I thought, I’d really like to make a full effort on this bags thing and so I put one in the front seat of my car. Then when I got to the store, I saw it and was SOOO HAPPY! (insert song clip here, Ce-le-brate good times, come on!) Yes, it was me and Kool & the Gang, gliding through the big double sliding doors like rock stars. I was an eco-friendly high. I actually felt like a bad ass with my bag tucked under my arm and I honestly noticed myself strutting down the produce aisle. And do you want to know why? It was all because that damn bag. I was so proud of myself for bringing it, I was practically skipping through the supermarket. I couldn’t wait to get to the check out aisle and whip that baby out. I seriously had to refrain from high five-ing all of the baggers as I left the store. I was totally pumped! VIC-TOR-Y!
So I get home and what do I do? I immediately run that crazy bag right back into my car because I’m on a “Bring Your Own Bag” roll! WOO-HOO! (Continue song clip; Oh, we’re going to have a good time tonight, let’s celebrate, it’s alright!) So guess what, the next day when I went to the store (yes, I usually go to the store every day and but that’s for another post) BAM! I bust out my whole foods chocolate brown recycled bag beauty and I am thinking, I am THE SHIT! For shizzle my nizzle, that’s twice in a row! This time off thing is really turning me into a brand new woman!
Ok, here is the part that sucks. When I get home, I leave the bag on the counter because I’m busy doing a hundred other things and of course, I’ll do it later. Yes, the sweet bag just sits there quietly pushed into the corner and doesn’t make it back to my car. So guess where I went yesterday? The store. And as soon as I got out I remembered, Yay, it’s time for the “recycled bag happy dance I’m the shit strut” and realized Oh, no! I don’t have my bag … Again. 😦 Now, I’m super bummed. And if that wasn’t enough, as hang my head down low, slow rolling it through the big double entry doors of shame, I hear the “I’m really disappointed that you forgot the bag again” voice. Oh. Yes, I know. I should have put it in the car which I didn’t because I was busy, lazy, distracted, whatever, and sadly based on history, I know that one little voice has completely ruined all past, present and future happiness around saving the earth, one recycled bag at a time.
And to make it worse, now I don’t even want to put the bag in the car because the fun is gone. Even if I bring it next time, it’s because I should or didn’t or am just trying to fly under the good recycle citizen radar. Mr. E has sucked all of the joy out it for me. And, believe me I know this all sounds totally lame (yes, I know it’s super lame) but it’s an honest example of death by a thousand paper cuts. Because I hear this kinda stuff all of the time in my head served up a million different ways.
As some of you know (and for those who don’t), it was 4 years and 2 months ago, I got really sick. I’d like to share that story sometime but I’m sure it’s like 20,000 words which would be in total violation of the blog police (if there is such a thing). But the net-net of it is, unfortunately, I still feel this pain in my body and I know in my gut, it all ties together.
Remember that conference I mentioned a week or so ago? One of the speakers asked us to to close our eyes and ask our body what it needed at this very moment. This was fascinating to me because of the literally hundreds of things I have tried to do to get rid of this pain, it had been a while since I asked my body what it needed to heal. And do you want to know the answer I heard in my head?
Gulp. And I know damn well enough, this has nothing to do with the finding Mr. Right kinda love. This has to do with loving myself. No, not just liking myself, actually accepting and loving myself unconditionally all of the time, 24/7 with or without recycle bags. It brings tears to my eyes just to type it because I know it is true. Here I am searching for a purpose in my life and it’s staring me right in the face. How about I start with a little more kindness towards myself? Novel concept, eh? You know, go grab that bag, put it in the car and march right into that store with a new theme song tomorrow like the rock star I am. No shuffling in feeling like a has been, washed up, wannabe, one hit wonder.
Yep, tomorrow is a new day and I’m more determined than ever to change my thoughts for my own sake. I really do believe every moment, we have a choice in our mind of loving thoughts or fearful thoughts. It’s just not easy when the wrong song has been playing for so long. But I really want to align with the beautiful loving music because a few things that I do know and recognize about myself is that I have A LOT of determination, perseverance and resilience. Plus, I do believe I can achieve anything I truly set my mind to do. All I I need to “do” is “be” in the moment, trust that the universe has got my back and will guide me through it because I’m worth it. Now, there is a grand concept! YES, I’M DEFINITELY WORTH IT!
Ironic isn’t it? Here I have been searching for meaning the last few weeks? Looking for a purpose? Um, how about starting at this very moment, one thought at a time, I show myself a little more love and kindness? Make every day a special “me” day, just like my birthday! “Happy Love Day to me, Happy Love Day to me” because I am certainly smart enough to know in the end, I’m either loving or hurting myself and right now, my body is the clear barameter. Yep, I’m on a mission.
And for the official record, I’m at an all time high with 2,748 words on this blog and I think it’s all going to be just fine. 🙂 Bring it! Way to go, L!