You want to know what random song bite has been popping in and out of my head for the last week that I heard again in the shower today? Time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’, Into the future. Turns out (via Google) it’s the Steve Miller Band circa 1976. I just heard the first line come to mind last week, and now this week, I’ve been hearing the second line. I want to fly like an eagle. To the sea. Fly like an eagle, let my spirit carry me. Interesting. It must be a sign. I’m not even really sure who the Steve Miller Band is…but I figure you-know-who drummed this up as a symbolic reference. She’s a quite a character. I guess I know now which decade her musical taste lives in so we are definitely not going to bust out a karaoke night together. I can’t remember how the whole song goes but I do recall the chorus and some section that sounds like a psychedelic acid trip which seems fitting because I’m still feeling completely out of sorts with all of these adjustments in my life. Now that I think about it, maybe it’s not the Writer but the Addict trying to steer me down a different road. If I start hearing Pink Floyd next, I’m going to start to get worried.
And yes, you heard it correctly, I decided to shower today. WOO-HOO! 2 days in a row and I even washed my hair this time. PAR-TY! Incredible. Ah, it’s like the good old days…when I cared about hygiene and personal appearance. I was standing in the kitchen making some fresh homemade almond nut milk (we can talk about that later) debating, do I really need a shower because I have nowhere to go today so, why bother? But then I realized I last washed my hair on Sunday and I really can’t go more than 3 days without shampoo for the “do” so I should rally and take one for the team. What the heck I say, I obviously have nothing else going on and actually, a nice hot shower sounds appealing, I’m in.
And so I’m in the shower, minding my own business and as I’m in process of lathering all up, I hear that song and realize it’s back again! HA! That kooky writer gal certainly is a free spirit. I see peace signs, rainbow hearts..make love not war! (Amen, Sister!). Hmm, is that the 60’s or the 70’s? Regardless, I like being a Writer and a Seeker and… a Big Foot!? A what??? As music stops suddenly in my head, I am totally shocked at what I have just discovered. I’m stunned. I don’t know how this could have happened…it looks like I haven’t shaved my legs in like, oh, I don’t know…10 days?…2 weeks, maybe 3? No! It can’t be that long ago, can it? I have clearly no idea but from judging from the fur like coating on my skin, it’s been a while…a super long while. OMG! I’m no longer a writer, I’m a Sasquatch! As I stand there in total utter amazement, I realize that I think the last time my leg hairs were this long must have been around oh, 1983, when I was 12 years old and I shaved them for the very first time!! And if I keep going at this rate, I definitely won’t need a Halloween costume next year. I’m really kinda concerned at this point the razor might not even work. Maybe I need scissors …. or a chisel? And more importantly, why does this feel like some incredible revelation? I HAVE been showering consistently and washing from head to toe but now I wonder what has actually been going on in here!
This is totally freaking me out and at this point, Mr. P is completely nauseous. I’m honestly not sure how much more he can take of this because he is ready to blow chunks. What has happened to all of my routines? Everything has totally flown out the window. “I want to fly like an eagle.” Yeah, I know. “Let my spirit carry me.” Sure, carry me right off a cliff. See, what you might not realize is that I used to shave my legs every day, or maybe every other day WORST CASE. And you want to know why? Because I used to go to work. And when I used to go to work, I would wear a skirt and when I would wear a skirt, my legs would show and do you know what I would honestly think to myself if I didn’t shave my legs? “Today, might be the day that meet the man of my dreams in some random meeting and he will instantly fall in love with me and when I suddenly I pass out unconsciously and need to be rushed to the hospital, he will heroically carry me to the ambulance and then notices my hairy legs and it ruins everything!!” No joke. It’s true and I’m insane. I really need to analyze this “meeting the man of my dreams and going to the hospital thing”. I’m sensing some repeating themes here.
Anyway, back to reality (whatever that means but I don’t even know which dimension I’m in these days), I pull myself together and shave these hairy limbs as quickly as possible before anyone has a chance to see them. Do you know how many serious accidents happen every year in the shower? Forget the work meetings now since I’ve ditched all hope of meeting my soul mate in corporate life, I’m back to the 911 call scenario. I’m actually starting to think I’m a real piece of work. (Um, Starting?)
This is the thing about the writer, she lives in the present moment and the more time I spend with her, the more time just fades away. So, all of the “time” that normally spent hashing through the past or worrying about the future, taking care of the laundry list of to do’s (in and out of the shower), well, with this writer..it’s all going, going, gone. I can’t tell you how much “stuff” I’m forgetting about these days. Not just these little casual did you brush your teeth today things, like bigger things. Like leaving my house without my cell phone or my purse. Forgetting to get gas and almost running out. Forgetting things at the store, pick ups, drop offs, and oh boy, the writer doesn’t give a shit about being on time. Because there is concept of time with her. And it all passes in an instant. If you think I struggled to be on time before, it’s definitely getting worse. Because when the writer is writing or editing, there is no such thing as a clock in her world. It’s like I’m just purely in the moment and whatever I need in that moment, I have. 🙂
And you know what I’m noticing, sometimes when I’m not sitting here writing, I’m writing in my head. I’m noticing the little details about things that are happening and will start to make a mental note or “write” a few story lines to remember later. And to top it all off, what is totally starting to complete warp my mind is then when I go back to the “old” me, I’m like, “Seriously? Is this the stuff that has been rattling around my head for all of these years?” And even though I have done A LOT of work over since I left my marriage, there has been a part of me even now that just has accepted all the noise. But not any more. The scales have shifted, I’m spending more time connected through my soul than my ego from an archetype perspective. Every moment I am spending with this writer is changing my life and there is no going back. And what I do know is that this writer is just the channel, a conduit, a character per se and she is teaching me how to live in the moment, be present, The power of Now kinda stuff (High-Five to my man Eckhart Tolle) and totally giving it all up to the universe to be doing whatever I am suppose to be doing, right well, now. And you want to know what? I have zero doubt, fear, worry or insecurity, that it’s all unfolding, well, perfectly. The real perfectly, like we are all one with the universe perfectly.
Can I share something with you? On a serious note? I was driving in my car on Saturday to an all day meditation workshop in Walnut Creek and while I was driving (and listening to the music really loud because that’s what the writer wanted), the writer was in my head, so I switched to the observer to just you know, watch. I could hear and see the writer describing herself and her qualities and then the words came from me, as I was making notes in my observer mode. She is enough and out of nowhere my soft quiet voice said:
I am enough.
While driving down Highway 680, going 75 miles an hour, I literally burst into tears.
I can honestly say, have ever consciously heard that statement come from inside of me ever. And if it was ever slipped in by my soul before, I certainly could never have heard it or acknowledged it. And you what to know what, I don’t think I have been ready until now. To understand it, to see it, to well, own it. And it’s not like I haven’t liked myself. I think I have pretty good soul-esteem. This was just so unexpected. And what I loved even more is it was at first in the 3rd person to the writer (which is me) so I could hear it about that part of myself and then it was about me integrating completely it as a whole. And the crying was a huge emotional wave of acceptance. I’m transforming right in front of my very eyes and bearing witness to myself in an entirely new way. And it feels absolutely incredible.
Thank you so much to Spirit for the unconditional love and support. I feel so blessed. I know I have been the one standing in front of myself this whole time and I haven’t been able to get out of my own way until now. This writing is a powerful gift, a gift from my soul and regardless of what happens with it, something I will always treasure. I am forever grateful to the universe for supporting me in taking this time off and super proud of myself for getting the courage to do it. But most of all, trusting in this journey and surrendering to a higher power. 2012 is going to be a year to remember! I absolutely know it and I feel it too.